I don't understand why infrequent churchgoers select Easter as one of their "must see" masses.
Christmas is easy to get -- it's a birthday party. And you can derive a fair understanding of the holiday by watching the Charlie Brown special.
It's tough to deduce much from The Easter Beagle.
This morning, we got all dolled up and went to church. Since we send BENRY to the church school, we're common fixtures in the back row and recognize many of the parishioners. We of course arrived late (Pretty worked really hard to look, well, pretty), so the usher herded us into the balcony, where I recognized no one.
Now standard Catholic proceedings are difficult enough for children (Stand up, Sit down, FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT!); however, Easter is a different gig altogether. The hymns are longer (Look at me, I'm playing the piano!), the homily is insufferably drawn out (Listen to me, I know my book!) and simple prayers & responses are transmogrified into torturous sing-song that doubles the length of the entire event.
It's a production not unlike the Super Bowl. Except no one really knows why they're there because Linus never explained the meaning of Easter in the first place. At least before the Super Bowl, Dad will make it clear to his unknowing kid that he has a hundred bucks on the blue guys so root for them, damnit.
At Easter mass, children hopped up on a breakfast of jellybeans and chocolate are supposed to figure it out themselves. Like the squirt in front of us. I'll say he was four years old and had not attended church since his baptism -- the little shit was a whirlwind of kicking, jumping, banging, squirming and chattering. Finally, after slapping his sister and pulling his mom's hair, he stood up during the homily and screamed, "I AM THIRSTY! I WANT SOME WA..."
He never completed his thought. Dad's hand came out of nowhere, and, with the force of a cruise missile cupped the kid's mouth vacuum-tight. Clearly startled, the guttersnipe looked wide-eyed at Dad. Then, at Mom, who was staring back, aghast, at Dad. Then this kid, who couldn't or wouldn't display a rudimentary understanding of civilized behavior before this occurred, showed the social moxie of Dr. Phil. He cried. Screamed, bawled, flailed and let Mommy and everyone else around know what Daddy did to him. Mom angrily gathered their belongings, grabbed their coats and said to Dad, "Are you happy now?"
As the family shuffled out, I smiled reassuringly at the dad while recalling the great line from "Vacation" - "Are you happy now, Clark? She's deaf." Ahhh, marriage.
I don't blame the dad. I don't blame the mom. Hell, I don't even blame the bratty kid.
I blame Linus.
6 comments:
Did you feel guilty after the service.... at least guilty enough to raise somebody elses taxes?
Yes, but only on Wal-Mart executives.
I like Sloan's new profile photo. And your photo was quite the talk amongst my sisters yesterday. Koz is so funny, they all agreed.
As for the church thing, I didn't realize that was you sitting behind us. I am sorry for Joe's behavior. That boy just won't listen!
Why do parents bring their kids into the church for those long services? What kind of behavior do they expect? That is the reason they have the nurseries and Sunday schools - right? Good for you for dropping your kids off in the church school.
You should join a protester church. They allow people dressed as giant bunnies to roam around the church, keeping the kids entertained. Assuming that the bunny is in a traditional heterosexual relationship, however, is not guaranteed.
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